Panic grips markets as trader glues hand to face…

You know when scientists make a grand declaration that turns out to be a load of nonsense. Well I think it’s happened again…

Perfect secrecy has come a step closer with the launch of the world’s first computer network protected by unbreakable quantum encryption at a scientific conference in Vienna.

The network connects six locations across Vienna and in the nearby town of St Poelten, using 200 km of standard commercial fibre optic cables.

I only have a couple of thoughts on this…

First — wasn’t the iPhone meant to be uncrackable?

And second — If it is uncrackable, which ‘right minded’ government is going to let us use it? None. So what’s the point in it?

This made me laugh the other day…

Schools are being given advice on how to prevent pupils becoming drawn to violent extremism and terrorism.

Guidelines are being made available to primary and secondary schools in England to help them discuss the issues surrounding extremist views.

Seriously — where do these people get these ideas from?

How many kids do you think know who Al Quaeda are? Let alone have an interest in their philosophy.

Maybe I’m wrong though.

Maybe Play Stations and iPhones aren’t enough for the kids of today. Maybe they do dream of the day they take the war back to the infidel…

Or maybe… When the government talk about extremist views they’re talking about anything that doesn’t conform to their socialist doctrine…

Maybe they’re trying to dumb our kids down. To banish any ‘unacceptable’ ideas. And turn them into happy little prols…

Nah… What am I thinking…

Kids of today are f**king mental…

Well, I believe yesterday really was Meltdown Monday. So much for that ‘rescue’ package eh…

The FTSE 100, which was launched in 1984, fell 391.1 points, or 7.85%, to close at 4,589.2.

This means that £93.4bn has been wiped off the value of the index’s shares.

In terms of points, Monday’s fall was bigger than the slides seen in the wake of the September 11 attacks on the US and the 1987 stock market crash.

No joke — this is bad. If we fall a few more points today we’ve had a genuine crash.

But looking on the bright side. At least — as a nation — we’ve learnt some important lessons.

Or at least we should have…

1. When you take out a mortgage you are not a home owner. But simply responsible for a large amount of debt. So stop looking down your noses at those who rent. Cos in many respects they’re better off than you.
2. When you put money in a bank you are not a saver. You are in fact an investor. If you want to save your money rent a safe deposit box.
3. Fractional Reserve Banking means your money will never be ’safe’ in a bank.
4. Stop buying stuff on credit. If you can’t afford something don’t buy it. Honestly that plasma TV can wait.
5. Markets never, ever, ever, never, ever rise forever. Under any circumstances ever, never, ever, ever. So next time a politician declares an end to ‘boom and bust’ economics — laugh in their face. And then take the next opportunity to vote them out of office.
6. A stingy government may do no good but they will never do any harm. £1.7 trillion of public debt isn’t funny. Never vote for Labour again.

Finished eating your humble pie? No…

Well, I didn’t expect you to listen anyway…

Here’s to forgetting history and many more financial crises…